I have all of three stairs in my apartment. They separate the living room/dining room area from the sleeping area. Believe me, there’s a story behind it, but basically I fell on my ass damn hard down each step almost a week ago.

As I am internationally famed for being the palest non-albino around, you may not be surprised to learn that there is very little pigment on my ass. The largest single bruise I think I’ve ever actually seen in my life started forming back there.

The first morning it was just a large blue bruise. I jokingly referred to it as my “smurf ass.”

By day two, it had become the shape of Alaska.

It’s now morphed into Kazakhstan. No seriously. Kazakhstan. All over me.